My dearest Fizzy,
I miss you so much. There aren't enough words in the English language to express how deeply sad I am. Some days the grief is so overwhelming I can't breathe. Fern helps, but it's YOU I'm missing. It's YOU I want here with me.
I'll never forget the day we drove out to the farm to pick a puppy. Daddy's parents were paying for us to get one. When we got there, there were about 5 puppies running around the barn. The lady picked you up and handed you to me, and you licked my nose, then pooped on my shirt. I immediately said "I want this one!" Daddy said "But he just pooped on your shirt!" And I said "I don't care, he's the one!"
We didn't bring you home that day. You were too young, and we were going on vacation and didn't want to board you right away, so the lady said you could stay on the farm until we were ready. We drove back from Hilton Head for 14 hours. Once we walked into the house, we looked at each other, and as tired as we were, we both said "Let's go get our puppy!" We were SO excited to have you come home with us! You slept on my chest the whole way back. You were so tiny and little and sweet.
I don't remember much of the bad stuff you did when you were a puppy. I remember you destroyed a lot of shoes and books, but the rest is all good. How you'd flop on your back when someone came into the house to get belly rubs. How you were so proud of yourself when you finally managed to walk up the stairs by yourself. How you would snuggle in with me on the couch when I had to take a nap because you had me up all night. God you were a cute puppy.
As you got older and calmed down, you turned into the sweetest, most loving dog. You never did play with toys much. You were more interested in love and kisses and snuggles. You could kiss our faces for hours if we let you. Sometimes my face would start to get raw, you'd kiss so much! You hated hugs. GOD how you hated hugs, but you were perfectly content to sit on someone's lap and get ear rubs while you kissed the other hand.
You were the first dog ever allowed in my parent's house. My mom never liked dogs much, and my dad didn't want them in the house. I finally convinced them to let you come over, and something magical happened. Grammy ended up falling in love with you. Pap Pap pretended he didn't like you, but you know that's not true. You'd jump up into his lap and use your head to fling his hand on your ears, because you knew he gave the best ear scritches. And just like that, you became the family dog. We brought you over every time we went to Grammy and Pap Pap's house.
The bladder stones were the first of your health issues. God that surgery was awful. You were so miserable, and I was miserable with you. I slept on the floor with you because you were in so much pain. It wasn't the last time I did it, either. I hope you know how much we took care of you. I fought for you, even when other people told me I was wasting my money. I never felt like I wasted my money on you. You were my best friend. I would have done anything to keep you with me for as long as possible.
I made you a promise when you got diagnosed with congestive heart failure. I promised I would do as much as I could for you for as long as you could hold on. And when it was time, I'd be there with you. I confess, Fizz, when you were in the hospital that day, I agonized for about 2 hours what to do. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted you HERE at HOME. But I remembered my promise. And I stayed with you. I'm sorry Daddy couldn't stay, Fizz. He just couldn't handle it. Forgive him, ok? He's much more sensitive than people think.
There will never be another dog like you. You were my first dog. Well, we had dogs when I was little but they were hunting dogs and we weren't allowed to play with them. You were my first pet dog. And you were worth every bit of pain I'm in right now. It's been a week, almost to the hour, and I've missed you every single minute of every day. You truly were my best friend, and you helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. I don't know that I could have survived some of them without you to cling to. I hope you know how much we loved you. I'm so sorry I had to let you go.
Thanks for sending Fern. I'm trying hard to love her, but right now I'm still in too much pain from losing you. Plus I conveniently forgot how much work a puppy is. I'm not replacing you. No dog could ever do that. You'll forever be in my heart, and someday I'll see you again. I know I will. And you'll be able to breathe, and eat as much cheese and ham as you want, and we'll snuggle and kiss for eternity. Until then, I'll just have to muddle through.
You have fun up there. Keep the other dogs in check. You were always so good at that. You are so loved, Fizzy, and you will be forever.
Love,
Momma
